Adventures #3: Three Dates is Enough

So I had things narrowed down to three guys: Lawyer Red, a new lawyer with his own firm; Big Country, an Alabamian software engineer; and Indiana Tim...I don't really remember what he did. Lawyer Red was a strong front runner - great smile online, seemed like a nice guy - and then the conversations dwindled and stopped altogether. No worries. Indiana Tim seemed like a nice guy; he certainly had a really nice voice. But one date confirmed that those were his only redeeming qualities (seriously, when I mention the three things you aren't supposed to talk about on a first date - religion, politics, your exes - don't launch into a conversation about religion and the other dates you've been on).

Which leaves us Big Country. Seeming like ever the Southern gentleman, Big Country had a strong (like, really strong) southern accent. Our first date was dinner. Our second date was dinner and mini golf. And our third - and final - date was dinner (but at a really nice place that I always want to go to but it's a little expensive. Thanks, Big Country. The mac-n-cheese was great). After date #1 I thought, he's kinda cute. A little self-absorbed, his accent a lot too much, but kinda cute. After date #2 I thought, well he's not perfect but no one is, and holy cow I forgot how much I love putt putt. Somewhere between dates #2 and #3, though, it became time to really figure this out. How much time do you put into someone you aren't sure about? The answer seemed to be a third date. It was on this date that I decided - because of some of his own comments - to tell him that I was new to this online dating thing, I typically was friends with someone first, friendship in a romantic relationship is really important to me, etc etc etc. and see if there was the possibility of at least a friendship. After an hour and a half the answer was no, and I left feeling sad and offended. Not sad because it wasn't going to work out, but sad because most of who he is (or who he presents himself to be) is exactly the kind of person I think makes this world a really sad place to live in. And offended because his statements about life and humanity were more Ayn Rand than Gandhi and he essentially called my beliefs invalid. Don't get me wrong - I think a strong logical, rational case can be made for libertarianism. But the same case can be made for socialism and while both sound fine in theory, in practice they turn to shit.

But back to Big Country, because he really did say some things that made my inner mountain lion pounce across the table. I've comprised a list of things to never, ever, ever say unless you are intending to turn someone off and/or start a riot:

1. I'm really intelligent/really educated.
2. I don't live paycheck to paycheck/I have a lot of disposable income so I can do whatever I want.
3. So like, obviously, I am the most important person to me, and then it would be my wife/kids, and then after that like, my family. I don't think people are "called" or whatever to go overseas and neglect their families.
4. Yeah, I'm pretty selfish.
5. My passions in life are Alabama football and movies. (no, that's really all he could come up with)
6. I don't need to go to church because I, like, know all the dogma and religion and there's nothing new for me to learn.
7. Did I mention that I'm really intelligent/really educated?
8. Perhaps I should tell you that my family is also all very educated and are doing very well for themselves. And so am I.
9. I've been called judgmental...but I have good qualities, too.
10. Libertarianism is best because, like, if you wanted to help people you could open a store and help people and people like me who don't want to (my paraphrase) don't have to.
11. I don't know what it is, but all of my prayers get answered!
12. Poor people in this country are so much better off than in other countries. Here they have nice cars, HD televisions, running water...
13. I don't think I've mentioned that I'm really intelligent/really educated in a while. I just want to be clear than I am.
14. I'm very efficient at my job. My job isn't my passion but I have a lot of disposable income. I get in late and leave early if I can. "I hope you're not a workaholic because that's one of my pet peeves" (oh yes, that's a direct quote).
15. I didn't watch the movie Iron Lady because Meryl Streep is so left wing and Margaret Thatcher was conservative.

Seriously. We had that conversation. Or, should I say, he had that conversation and I ate my salad and his mac-n-cheese and drank about 4 glasses of Diet Coke. I told the waitress it (the DC) was the best part of my day, and I wasn't lying.

He claimed intelligence but confused it for opinion. He glorified selfishness as a positive character trait (typical for an Ayn Rand libertarian) and saw no need to help his neighbor because someone like me could set up a shop and do it. If you want to save the environment and the spotted owl, buy some land and go for it, but I'm going to dump my toxic waste all over my land because I can. He misunderstood and oversimplified poverty. He interrupted me several times to prove his "intelligence" over mine (but let's be honest, my IQ is higher). At several points I wanted to ask what happened in his past to make him so insecure, but I'm not in charge of his internal growth and development and part of me thinks he just really is that shallow.

Also, I totally peeked, and he's a terrible tipper.

Adventures in Online Dating, #2: "Conversations"

Yes, I put quotes around something. I hate quotation marks. People use them liberally when they should actually be used sparingly. But this time I mean it. The back and forth interactions of which I speak are not really conversations. They're "conversations."

Once the profile pre-screen is over, online dating takes you into the dialogue phase. There are different ways to do this. The first steps are "guided conversations" where you answer prescribed questions and send them to the other person, and vice versa. The questions give you four answer choices or you can write your own in the space provided. If someone were to analyze the question selection, I bet the results would be pretty interesting. I mostly get the same questions.

Then come the Must Haves and Can't Stands. As in, I must have someone who is believes in fidelity and I can't stand someone who lies. Again, you chose from a pre-written list and choose five in each category. There are really strange ones on there. I'm probably revealing my personal biases here, but the ones I find most offensive are ones like "I can't stand someone who is overweight" and "I must have someone who is considered attractive by current standards." Isn't it a given that you're going to date someone who you find attractive and you won't date someone you find repulsive? Perhaps not.

After this, if you continue through the guided portion of your tour, you get to the open ended questions. You can pick from another prescribed list (I wish I could judge the poor souls who need that much help, but let's be honest - we're on the same website) or make up your own. This can be another dumb step in the process or you can make it fun - like having someone else answer the questions for you. My married-for-seven-years bff gave me some ideas for answers. Luckily the send button was not hit before her answers were erased, but her responses to the question "besides love, what's one thing you think is necessary for a successful relationship" were hysterical. I finally settled on something banal like communication, but it was understood to be code for "you have to be able to fight well."

Finally, there is the email section. It's like normal email but you don't have email addresses - you just email through the website. This seems to only take a couple times and then they ask for your number and say "if you'd like to chat..." Then you are free to be regular people with real conversations. And then the OD site gets to add you into a statistic - on one side of success or the other.

Adventures in Online Dating, Part 1: The Pre-Screen

I realized my chances of meeting any males my age decreased significantly when I graduated from my masters program and took a job at a small nonprofit with a 98% female staff. It took the suggestion of my bbf, though, to make me sit down and start a profile on a well known online dating (OD) site. I have too much pride for that and I think the whole thing is a little hokey and weird. It took me nearly a week to finish the pages and pages and pages and pages and pages of questions, but I finally did and the first thing I noticed was the RIDICULOUS amount of emails I started getting. I was getting a shit ton already just from having visited the site, but now I was getting matched with waaaaay too many guys to actually go through all of those profiles. I may or may not have opened a new email account that only gets emails from that OD site. And by that I mean I definitely opened a new email account. I was tired of getting email after email after email and then having to delete 120 emails at once. That's only a slight exaggeration.

So the site itself is not super intuitive and the number of emails is pretty insane. That aside, I have had the chance to view many (many...many...) profiles of men aged 25-34 (with some random 42 year olds thrown in). It was both mind bottling and mind blowing. It was like a mind galaxy imploding and then exploding. I immediately formulated a mental two-step pre-screening system based on trends I saw in their profiles:

It's not the pudgy puppy
I have a problem with.
It's his fans.

Round one gets strikes and moves pretty quickly. If they mention college football more than once, one strike. If they mention college football in conjunction with more than two other sports, two strikes. If they mention UGA or the Dawgs specifically, three strikes and they're out. The same goes for the number of pictures they have of themselves holding an alcoholic beverage, number of photos taken of themselves by themselves with their iPhone, and number of pictures of themselves in anything besides shorts above the knee with a polo and deck shoes in a stadium. Essentially any combination of strikes can eliminate someone from the running.

If they pass that triage phase, they move on to round two - the points phase. This phase is a little trickier. It's similar to the grading system of awarding points based on how many desired terms and phrases you have present in a paper; however, for this test, you can also have points taken away for certain words and phrases. Points have been deducted and profiles deleted from my inbox for phrases like "I must have someone who is considered 'very attractive' by most current standards" and "I haven't read any books lately because I don't like to read." Seriously. Guys wrote that. At least lie about the book thing. Otherwise you just sound lame.

I have no idea what this is. Google images
suggested it when I typed in honesty,
so it must be applicable.

But points can be won for words like friendship, honesty, and companion (though one guy was disqualified because he mentioned honesty in EVERY SECTION of his profile. Yes, I mean for that part to be yelled). For phrases like, "I just want to get to know someone and spend time with someone." For mentions of humor, kindness, their dogs, and their best friends. When they list a book they've read that is actually a book an adult would read.

At the end of the day, I guess the myriad of questions are kind of useful. You can get a basic sense of whether someone is literate or not, and it's helpful in terms of knowing whether someone smokes or if someone only wants pretty people to apply. It can just get tedious and overwhelming. And how can you really know if you like someone until you meet them?