Adventures #9: The Hokey Pokey

Seriously.

I hate the Hokey Pokey. First of all, the name. Seriously? Hokey. Pokey. It sounds lame. Second of all, I can handle putting my legs and arms in and shaking them all about, but my head? Do you know how uncomfortable it is to shake your head all about and then spin around doing some loony shakey dance? It gets worse as you get older. Your head hurts, your arms and legs are tired from all that shaking...and then there's no real way to end the whole thing. With a clap? A shout? At least in Father (and Mother) Abraham (and Sarah) you sit down to mark the end of the song.

All of this is a metaphor for online dating, or maybe just dating in general. I was going to try and weave it into a story but I really don't have the energy for that right now. I hate dating. It's like The Bachelor/Bachelorette except you don't know the competition. I'm not good at dating games (hard to get? Please. I too much say what I think and mean to play that sort of game) and I don't like when others play them. Just say what you think and mean and there's no confusion for anyone. I'm also not good at hard to get because I either want to be gotten or I don't - and I'll clearly let you know either way. And the whole "who's supposed to call who and when" crap? I believe that if I want to talk to someone, waiting for them to call me is dumb. Are they supposed to just magically know?

And then! And then! In this circus horror of ambiguous dating, when am I allowed to plan a date? Is it too forward? Does he want to and I'm taking over and making him feel emasculated? Or is it - as I think of it - nice because then it's not all on him to always make the plans and make the plans happen. And he can always plan the next date, right? Or - heavens - speak up and say he wants to plan this one and can we do my plan next time? Holy shit. Online dating is the freakin' Hokey Pokey - put yourself out there, take yourself back, put yourself out there and get shaken by all the dating pretense. Seriously. I don't find it enjoyable, not when my emotional acre is involved. I find it enjoyable when real people do real things and spend real time together. Though this adventure has been enlightening and entertaining and I'm proud of myself for doing it, a serial dater I will never be.

I also just realized that the Hokey Pokey could be a really crass double entendre. I feel slightly weird about having Elmo up there now.