Nom Nom...ok, I'm tired.

So this is what one of my work cabinets hides:

Please notice the two type of gummy vitamins on the left.
I'm all about health, people.

While my fridge and cabinets at home are bare and boring, my work cupboard has all the goodies. Work has been a long uphill battle this year (click here for a visual) and sometimes reinforcements are needed. Hence this:

I didn't think Cheez-its could improve,
but then this happened. 

I don't typically self-medicate with food, but sometimes you just need a fucking fruit snack.

"You are absolutely beautiful However how are you still single for"

Um. I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. First, is it actually a question? There is no punctuation, but "how" is typically indicative of a question. Which brings up the second issue: the grammar. As in, there is no grammar or sentence structure. Third, is it a compliment or an insult? Calling someone beautiful is a compliment (I think) but the use of "however" indicates the next statement is going to contradict the previous one. Fourth, never end a sentence with a preposition. So I fixed it (you'll see I added in a little extra):

You are absolutely beautiful; however, I cannot understand for what reason thou art still single?

Pretty sure that's what he meant to write.

If it isn't obvious, I decided to go back online dating and I.want.to.cringe. Sentences like that and "U have a gr8t smile. I want 2 chat w U" (which I don't even think counts as a sentence), make me want to vomit over the sad state of humanity in America. I can't imagine the women are much better. Booking the next flight to Hawai'i and living with my sister and being Lila's spinster aunt who homeschools her and all 8 of her siblings (sorry, Sar) seems like a fantastic option. Actually, that would be a fantastic option (-) the spinster part and (+) Nora.

Anyhow, I'm sure this will be another fun adventure. Like this (memes are seriously the best thing that's happened to 2013):

Who'd have thought we'd have a black son before we knew a Democrat?

Existential angst. If you say it enough, it begins to sounds like "eggsdistential angst" or "engsistential angst." Words are hard! And so is existential angst. It's essentially when the logic part of you and the feeling part of you disagree on something and there is no "good" answer. No answer feels good, no answer will make you happy or solve the problem. There isn't necessarily a right answer, but there is probably a healthier answer, or an answer that better fits with your overall and long(er) term goals and values.

And that SUCKS sometimes. Shouty caps appropriate.

As a total F on the Myers-Briggs, it is completely counter-intuitive for me to go against what I feel. I rely on my feelings. But I feel like such a grown-up when I make a logically sound decision. Like new shoes AND new nail polish grown up.

Ecksistenchul angst.

Also, I did not realize how jaded I've become working in a nonprofit until I interviewed a potential intern this morning. She was so...energetic about the whole thing. Like "let's help everyone and bunnies and sunshine and flowers!!!!!!" excited....

Wide -eyed emoticon.

Also, did not realize how much I really need a vacation until the last couple of weeks.

Hope that clears things up.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Except I don't have a broom and my bed doesn't have knobs. I painted my doorknobs. Knobs is a funny word when you say it more than once. Actually, I think even saying once sounds a little silly. Knobs. Knobs. Knobs. It should be kuhnobs, you kuhnow, since the K is never ever silent in front of a word.

Anyhow, I spray painted my doorkuhnobs with Rust-O-Leum Oil Rubbed Bronze and I'm in love with the color. I want to spray paint everything now, except I don't have much else to paint. I'll find something, I'm sure. Also, why is spray paint two words? I get that it is essentially a verb and a noun - you are spraying paint - but I still want it to be one word. Or hyphenated.

So I sprayed the paint on the nasty gold doorkuhnobs and locks. Here it is in all its glory:

Gold and gross

I used tin foil because
1) I didn't have anything else, &
2) I saw it on Pinterest.

Fantastico!

Ta da! I mean, I figure if I'm going to have to live here for a while - at least 5 more months and probably more unless I suddenly get a fat raise - I might as well make it pretty. And since I've been in a DIY house reno mood with limited house to D, I want to change everylittlething that I can. Plus, I'm still getting over my "I never had a registry to get the grownup stuff I want" issues so I'm buying the things I want sans registering. Maybe when I finally have a reason to make a list of things I want other people to buy for me, I'll just ask for cash so I can buy new clothes. Or rugs. Or a vacation. Or something else awesome I'll have seen on Pinterest by then.

Gnats are just little persistent assholes.

I've had this sinus-y, green-ish yellow snotty, can'tbreathethroughmynose, cold this Labor Day weekend. So after three days of lying on the couch, Nora and I went for a walk and the gnats attacked. Jerks.

Speaking of assholes.

It's been just over a year since I started my online dating experiment. I don't remember all the steps of the scientific method, but I do remember you're supposed to have a hypothesis. My hypothesis was unclear to start, but my findings are clear: I've learned a lot, seen a lot, and have come to the conclusion that most men are kind of asshats.

To be fair, I bet most women are, too. But I'm not dating those, so we'll stick with our population sample. Which, to be even more fair, it's probably a skewed sample of men (online dating does attract a certain swath of humans). I also haven't dated all of the men online ever, so I can't make 100% definitive statements. I haven't dated across races. I have dated across ages (from 26-40), so I can be pretty certain about some things. And I don't think most guys intend to be giant ass clowns. It's probably a combination of things.

So. If you are going to online date random strangers, here are 5 common practices you should probably know about going into it:

1. It is absolutely okay to not call someone if you don't want to. Avoiding the situation is way easier and much less stressful for you. Just pretend it doesn't exist.

2. If you decide to be exclusive with someone, it is still probably okay to date other people. Lines are fuzzy in the real world, folks!

3. If you want to be boring and dull, or overly intense and crazy, go for it. Don't hold back. Don't put your best foot forward. Don't let little things like personal hygiene and discretion get in the way of a good time.

4. Communication doesn't get you anywhere. Don't waste your time with it. Totally stupid.

5. Always be sure to tell the other person how great you are. It's way more believable than if you just are great.

There you go. You're welcome.