Adventures in Online Dating, #2: "Conversations"

Yes, I put quotes around something. I hate quotation marks. People use them liberally when they should actually be used sparingly. But this time I mean it. The back and forth interactions of which I speak are not really conversations. They're "conversations."

Once the profile pre-screen is over, online dating takes you into the dialogue phase. There are different ways to do this. The first steps are "guided conversations" where you answer prescribed questions and send them to the other person, and vice versa. The questions give you four answer choices or you can write your own in the space provided. If someone were to analyze the question selection, I bet the results would be pretty interesting. I mostly get the same questions.

Then come the Must Haves and Can't Stands. As in, I must have someone who is believes in fidelity and I can't stand someone who lies. Again, you chose from a pre-written list and choose five in each category. There are really strange ones on there. I'm probably revealing my personal biases here, but the ones I find most offensive are ones like "I can't stand someone who is overweight" and "I must have someone who is considered attractive by current standards." Isn't it a given that you're going to date someone who you find attractive and you won't date someone you find repulsive? Perhaps not.

After this, if you continue through the guided portion of your tour, you get to the open ended questions. You can pick from another prescribed list (I wish I could judge the poor souls who need that much help, but let's be honest - we're on the same website) or make up your own. This can be another dumb step in the process or you can make it fun - like having someone else answer the questions for you. My married-for-seven-years bff gave me some ideas for answers. Luckily the send button was not hit before her answers were erased, but her responses to the question "besides love, what's one thing you think is necessary for a successful relationship" were hysterical. I finally settled on something banal like communication, but it was understood to be code for "you have to be able to fight well."

Finally, there is the email section. It's like normal email but you don't have email addresses - you just email through the website. This seems to only take a couple times and then they ask for your number and say "if you'd like to chat..." Then you are free to be regular people with real conversations. And then the OD site gets to add you into a statistic - on one side of success or the other.

Adventures in Online Dating, Part 1: The Pre-Screen

I realized my chances of meeting any males my age decreased significantly when I graduated from my masters program and took a job at a small nonprofit with a 98% female staff. It took the suggestion of my bbf, though, to make me sit down and start a profile on a well known online dating (OD) site. I have too much pride for that and I think the whole thing is a little hokey and weird. It took me nearly a week to finish the pages and pages and pages and pages and pages of questions, but I finally did and the first thing I noticed was the RIDICULOUS amount of emails I started getting. I was getting a shit ton already just from having visited the site, but now I was getting matched with waaaaay too many guys to actually go through all of those profiles. I may or may not have opened a new email account that only gets emails from that OD site. And by that I mean I definitely opened a new email account. I was tired of getting email after email after email and then having to delete 120 emails at once. That's only a slight exaggeration.

So the site itself is not super intuitive and the number of emails is pretty insane. That aside, I have had the chance to view many (many...many...) profiles of men aged 25-34 (with some random 42 year olds thrown in). It was both mind bottling and mind blowing. It was like a mind galaxy imploding and then exploding. I immediately formulated a mental two-step pre-screening system based on trends I saw in their profiles:

It's not the pudgy puppy
I have a problem with.
It's his fans.

Round one gets strikes and moves pretty quickly. If they mention college football more than once, one strike. If they mention college football in conjunction with more than two other sports, two strikes. If they mention UGA or the Dawgs specifically, three strikes and they're out. The same goes for the number of pictures they have of themselves holding an alcoholic beverage, number of photos taken of themselves by themselves with their iPhone, and number of pictures of themselves in anything besides shorts above the knee with a polo and deck shoes in a stadium. Essentially any combination of strikes can eliminate someone from the running.

If they pass that triage phase, they move on to round two - the points phase. This phase is a little trickier. It's similar to the grading system of awarding points based on how many desired terms and phrases you have present in a paper; however, for this test, you can also have points taken away for certain words and phrases. Points have been deducted and profiles deleted from my inbox for phrases like "I must have someone who is considered 'very attractive' by most current standards" and "I haven't read any books lately because I don't like to read." Seriously. Guys wrote that. At least lie about the book thing. Otherwise you just sound lame.

I have no idea what this is. Google images
suggested it when I typed in honesty,
so it must be applicable.

But points can be won for words like friendship, honesty, and companion (though one guy was disqualified because he mentioned honesty in EVERY SECTION of his profile. Yes, I mean for that part to be yelled). For phrases like, "I just want to get to know someone and spend time with someone." For mentions of humor, kindness, their dogs, and their best friends. When they list a book they've read that is actually a book an adult would read.

At the end of the day, I guess the myriad of questions are kind of useful. You can get a basic sense of whether someone is literate or not, and it's helpful in terms of knowing whether someone smokes or if someone only wants pretty people to apply. It can just get tedious and overwhelming. And how can you really know if you like someone until you meet them?

Like a two year old.

I'm gonna tell you a story about a girl named Anna. When I say Anna, I'm referring to myself. I'm Anna (I may have just watched Bridesmaids like 3 times in one week).

So I know I have anxiety. I take all the right benzodiazopines and I'm trying (ok, going to try) to find a new CCCG-er to westside talk it out. It's not crippling anymore and it's basically really ok. Except when there are super stressful situations and then I usually climb in bed and hold on to some pillows. Until recently, though, I'd just lumped everything under the general anxiety category but I'm beginning to think there are multiple parts. Like separation anxiety. As an adult. Not a two year old. So weird.

It was just recently that I realized this when two things happened that made me stop and think: one, I was leaving Seattle and my mom texted to say she and Pops were going to bed and to text them in the morning when I got home. I texted back, but was immediately overcome with the feeling that if I didn't call her and tell her I loved her, something bad was going to happen and I would never get the chance to ever talk to her again. And then, when my bffs dropped me off at the airport, I had a panic moment and almost called them to come back because I was sure that if I didn't hug them one more time, something terrible would happen and I would never see them again. Sensing a theme? Me too. That lead to a time of reflection and introspection and the next obvious move: 

I googled it at the airport.

From my obviously professional clinical diagnosis after reading the online version of the DSM-IV, I don't have Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder - that sounds really scary. But I realized that I do have some of the symptoms. Por ejemplo, I get really anxious when I leave certain people (attachment figure is the technical term) and I have frequent dreams of separation (where I can't be with or get to a particular person) especially after leaving said certain people. It's this terrible panic that I won't see them again - that something bad will happen - especially if I don't hug them long enough or tell them I love them right before we get off the phone or if I don't see them one last time before I leave. In undergrad I had real issues if I didn't end a conversation with my parents with an "I love you" and they said it back. I still feel that way sometimes - and about a handful more people - but I try to remember to be rational. No one has died because someone didn't hug them. They may have died and someone didn't hug them, but it wasn't a causal relationship.

The mind is a funny, funny thing...I just love when blogs get all personal, don't you?

Real Houses of Seattle, WA

Wow, primary colors much?

Hansel & Gretel warned us about this

And suddenly you're in Savannah

And then Miami.

There are lots like this one, though.
I like this one.

This is how you do wrought iron.

It's okay, we can't all be normal.

There's these things on Facebook these days about God and schools and prisons and other dumb shit like that. I suppose they've been around for a while but I've finally seen enough to write a snarky post about it. See Exhibit A:

My mouth is gaping. I can't think of anything to say. I'm rarely speechless. Just see Exhibit B:

No. That is not the
definition of irony.

I guess my problem with Exhibit A starts with the obvious - the whole separation of church and state thing. But let's move past that dumb law and talk about what really matters: God allowing violence in schools and blaming a lack of corporate religion in secular institutions on God's inability to stop it. Wait, let's just say His, as in His inability to stop it. Because God is a man, right, as indicated by the masculine font chosen for His signature. Perhaps, though, it is that God is not unable but simply unwilling to stop the violence. Or maybe God is neither unable nor unwilling, but rather is unaware that there is violence going on; however, Exhibit A suggests God knows it's happening and is not getting involved because some moronic human decided homeroom was going to be for studying and not praying. Yes, let's blame secularism for violence because Christians have never done anything violent ever. And I'm assuming we're talking about Christians here and not Muslisms or Jews (who also have a God) because only evangelical Christians would say Columbine happened because we all didn't pray enough. That's just bullshit. Kids are bullied and beaten and teased and humiliated because people of all ages really suck ass sometimes and often make decisions that harm other people. And they still would, with or without saying The Lord's Prayer before 2nd period.

Exhibit B. I've already noted that trivial law about separation of church and state and have indicated that perhaps the picture employs an incorrect use of the term irony. Though I must first note that the shackled Bible on the left is pretty funny. I actually didn't see it at first, but I think that's why the little boy is sad. Poor kid can't get to his rock hammer. Anyhow, back to irony. Irony refers to - hell, let's just google it. The third definition on Merriam Webster's website says that irony is the "incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result." Is the situation ironic in that you would expect a prison to not allow Bibles? Where else should a Bible to go but a dark place where there is no Light?? That's exactly where evangelicals should want the Bible to go! Hell, we should ship all Bibles from our churches to the prisons! I mean, Jesus is all about ransoming captives, right? And let's talk about little Timmy, who is so sad with his head in his hands. It's just so hard to go 8 hours without reading your Bible, what with all the time you spend at church and in your daily quiet time. And it is really hard to pray and think about Scripture (that you already should have memorized or you failed youth group) when you can't even think words inside your head without someone interrupting to say, "stop! Don't think that!" Wait...I think that was just a George Orwell novel. So is that the irony? That Timmy wants to read his Bible in school with all his friends during PE and can't because he has to run laps to avoid childhood obesity? Timmy, read your Bible during your school sponsored Christian club time. Perhaps, though, the author of the picture is simply trying to imply that he or she feels it is unexpected that the government allows (encourages even!) Bibles for big boys in prisons but not for little boys in schools.

But that would be myopic.

First Comes Love

That rhyme has always been a little off. Love, marriage, and the baby comes IN a baby carriage? I have witnessed love, marriage, and babies, and babies can hardly fit through 10cm - a carriage for damn sure isn't going to make it. Then again, I guess there are few words that rhyme with marriage.

Baby season is in full swing for my circle of friends. The love happened (lots of engagements about the same time) and the marriage, too (one year I was at or in 4 weddings in 3 months). Now it's baby time. I recently attended a party where at least 2/3 of the females estaron embarasada. And the couple of couple friends I have who aren't pregged yet are in semi-serious talks about timing.

I love babies. I'm over the moon for my niece. One of my best friends from high school is due in October (I'm rooting for the 19th). One of my close friends here in Atlanta is due in September. Another friend here in the ATL is due in December. An acquaintance - who went through three rounds of IVF - is finally pregs and due sometime October(ish). A girl with whom I'm friendly from our seminary days is due around the same time. The family for whom I babysit had their third child about 3 weeks ago. Babies. Babies to hold and rock and smell their Johnson&Johnson heads... I've semi-joked that my cutoff date to have kids is around 32. If there's no love or marriage, I still want a baby and its carriage.

I actually went to church today, though I wasn't late enough to miss the new, awkward "hospitality time." Crap. But the sermon was about trusting God to provide in the future because God provided in the past. Whatever. I don't know if I'm ready to universalize that claim, but I am excited about the possibility I could get a dog within the next year.

It's ok. She is the best thing since
sliced bread.

6 month evaluation

I recently had my 6 month eval at work and my one area of improvement was to answer the general phone line more often (though we all know that's not going to happen). I have also been doing my own evaluation of the past 6 months at the GA Lighthouse Foundation and these are some of the things I have learned:

Yep, that's pretty much it.

1. Eyeballs are gross. Really gross. And weird. And no one should have to get near them if they don't make the conscious decision to get a degree in optometry, especially not someone with degrees in business and theology. The grossest is when we have to poke people in the eyes to check their eye pressure. People roll their eyes all back up into their heads and squint really hard and it's really gross to try and pry someone's eye open. I also didn't think about how weird eyelids would be up close. Some people have really tight eyelids and tight skin on their faces, and some people have really puffy eyelids and really squishy skin. So weird. So gross. Eyes may be the window to your soul, but there is a respectful distance that should be maintained.

2. Mean people aren't the majority and you can stand up to them. There are a lot of seriously unpleasant people out there - people who feel entitled, who will never be satisfied with the services they receive, who find fault in everything, who are unwilling to compromise. Even though they feel like the majority because they're the loudest and most persistent, they really maybe make up 10% of the people we see. So I've started to stand up for myself. I have just as much right to say how I will or won't be treated as they have to be all pissy and crabby.

3. Compassion and pity aren't the same thing. Cognitively that's a no-brainer, but existentially it's a little more difficult. It's not a compassion I've ever been taught or felt before. It's an understanding and a caring for the hardness of life that some people experience, but it's not an emotional breakdown. I used to get teary when I read applications and saw how difficult things are for some people. But this compassion is a more like realization of what people are going through and trying to figure out what might bring them comfort. Most times it's just to listen.


4. I like baths. I've never been much of a bath person; I haven't ever really thought about them actually. It's not directly connected to the Lighthouse, but I've discovered this nugget in the past 6 months so I think it counts.