JT, Pink, Karma, Rebounds, and Wall Anchors

What goes around comes back around (I thought I told ya, hey) - Justin Timberlake

My parents (Popsicle, specifically) won tickets to the Daytona 500. I'm not a race fan so I wasn't upset when they didn't invite me, but I was so so so so very happy for them because they deserve something like this. He got them through some Coke giveaway, and the whole package is like a 4 night hotel, trackside blah blah blah, glitter and champagne, and a new puppy. J/k on the puppy. They already have 2 very energetic beagles. But they won the tickets and the whole shebang and I just can't help thinking about karma - what goes around comes back around, as the JT himself puts it so handsomely. They are immensely generous and good people. They give and give and give - and not just to me, but to anyone who needs to be given. So they should get something from Life that just says, good job, yo, here are 4 tickets to something you enjoy (even if it is one of the weirdest things you humans have come up with. A left turn for 4 hours? Yeah, I'm gonna go watch some downhill skiing in Western Europe). 

Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die, you gotta get up and try try try - Pink

I'm not a huge Pink fan. I think her stuff is great for the biceps track in Body Pump, but aside from that...not so much. This song, though, has been stuck in my head for days and I'm applying its principle to dating. Rebound dating is a really bad idea and I'm going to try to not do it again. Eeek. The last line - you get burned, it hurts, you're not going to die - is perhaps what I should have listened to. Just taken the burn. Perhaps rebounding is part of the trying again, though. Not a particularly fun part, if that's the case, if the rebound actually likes you. Eeek. I'm not set up to hurt people's feelings...Anyhow, that last line sounds a lot like my mom. I think she's right a lot more of the time than I want to admit, even when I disagree that everything is going to be all right in the end. No one knows how the end will be and people die all the time with unmet goals and unfulfilled hopes and dreams. But about the past, perhaps, Momsie is correct. We've all been burned and we've all survived, if no more than in pieces and shreds for a while. And the hope part of life - that optimistic flame inside of us that keeps the edge off despair most days - tells us to just get up and try, try, try. 

Finally, I would like to point out what an awesome house project person I am. I successfully hung multiple things today (a mirror, a towel rack) on the first try and lined most every drawer in the apartment with fancy schmancy shelf liner. I'd like to thank Tom Knippel for making sure I knew a wall anchor from a table saw.

Fifty Shades of Holy Shit

I read Fifty Shades of Grey.

I had completely decided not to. I don't care about graphically romantic novels (I think they're kind of dumb) and I heard the writing was bad, but then two girls at work read them and were all like, it's so good, I couldn't put it down, it's not just about kinky sex, blah blah. So I decided to read the first book solely because I wanted an easy read (pun not intended). I wanted to just fly through a book and it not be about something sad and serious like caste systems or hate crimes.

I read the wrong book.

It admittedly was a fast read. I read all 521 pages in about 6 hours and actually read all the words (not my typical heavy skim when I just want to know how something ends). And the writing wasn't too terrible; I found the overly-adjectived sections boring and I had to make myself read them, and the author's desire to paint a stark picture of Christian Grey was tedious. Even Anastasia Steele's character was uninspiring. A completely inexperienced college grad with unruly hair who thinks she's nothing to look at but is actually beautiful? Is this ABC Family/Hallmark/Lifetime? But besides that, the plot pace was good and the depth of the characters unfolded convincingly.

It also had a lot of kinky sex. I had to look up a lot of the BDSM terms (though I was proud of myself for at least knowing what that acronym stands for) and found myself in a world of "what the hell??!" Yeah. It's not embarrassing or weird to read or talk about, and I feel no judgment about people who are into it, but I had no idea the depth of it (and I'm sure I still have no clue, really). People's sexual fetishes sure are unique.

I realized I read the wrong book, though, because it is profoundly sad and serious. I was suprised at that. In my BDSM research, it is as much about trust as it is about control. I can understand that. But when you look at that through the lens of an abused child/wounded adult, it becomes so much deeper. With all I'd heard about the book and about the elusive Mr. Grey, I was expecting to hate him as a controlling asshole. And yea, he is kind of that. But when you read the parts about his past and his inner struggles, his BDSM lifestyle makes a whole lot of sense. And makes me really sad. Not because that's what he likes, but because it seems to have developed and been fed from a place of pain and suffering and no matter how evolved and mature he is, that is still part of his controlling, calculating life. He likes the kink, but it's also an effort to regain control over his life when he had none and ensure he won't be hurt again. And that's a very real human response.

I'm not sure if I can handle the other two books if this deep shit doesn't clear up; then again, I want to know that both Grey and Ana make it through - healthier and still together. I should stick to books like Goodnight, Construction Site and Giraffes Can Dance. You know, children's books that rhyme.

Adventures #10: The End...ish

Before I begin reflecting, I would like to issue the follow passive-aggressive statement, made possibly only by the relative annonymity of the world wide web:

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your carefully worded, professionally sterile, and emotionally cold response to my honest and heartfelt inquiry. Had you been rejecting me for a job interview, your statement would have been above reproach; however, given the actual situation, your response left much to be desired, including an actual answer to my honest and heartfelt inquiry. Your lack of warmth, painful to read and to bear, is felt most when considering the kindness of which I know you to be capable.

Furthermore, you employed the incorrect relative pronoun in your last paragraph. You were correct in your facts - I do have amazing friends who have and will continue to provide comfort and support; however as they are people and not objects, they should be "amazing friends who will provide support," not friends that provide support. If you need further grammatical clarity, please click here. Also, I find your excessive use of commas to be offensive.

Regards, etc.

Passive-aggressive is not good for relationships, but it sure does feel good to get it out online. So. Moving on. Literally. Because after three days of constant uncontrollable crying and dull ache I decided that I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be sad. I want to move on, for him to be forgot and all to be as it was. I feel a certain amount of blah about dating. It's tiring and so.all.the.same. At least at first until you actually get to know a person, which starts around date #3. But I do want to get back on the horse, back in the game, back to business...all those metaphors. Which is why I already went on a date.


Look how happy I am
back on my horse. I'm laughing
and have a trendy straw hat.

I don't know if it was a good move or not - it certainly was sudden - but it seemed a good idea at the time. Textbook rebound, perhaps. And it was a textbook first date (being the professional first-dater that I am, I speak with authority). He was funny, asked questions and acted interested in the answers, tried to impress me with a few things he knew, followed up with an "I had a great time today" text. Check, check, check. Furthermore, after spending an hour discussing it at CCCG, I have more perspective on the whole situation and different ideas of what "moving on" can look like. Which includes taking a few weeks off this dating roundabout when my membership runs out tomorrow before getting back in the saddle. And which definitely includes me starting to run again (January bleak weather + bad news sadness = one 30 minute walk in 6 days).

Here's another thing I've learned experientially - and through Sex and the City (there was a marathon this past weekend on E!): everyone is weird, including me. Everyone has their quirks and their strange collections and habits and you just accept that when you have two individual people with individual weirdnesses trying to spend time together. There are many people with whom I could be compatible; at some point it becomes less about "you suck at this" and "you're wrong" and more about compatibility and fit and what weirdness you can handle. Except for Big Country. He really just sucked.

I also learned that Carrie Bradshaw agrees about the 3rd date thing, which I think is a sign that I'm probably on the right track with my other dating suppositions, too. Or that I have great hair, great outfits, great shoes, and a rent-controlled apartment. Anyhow, Carrie and the girls had a great conversation about people being like taxis - people are running around everywhere emotionally unavailable for whatever reason. When they're emotionally ready for a relationship, their light goes on and the first person to snag the taxi gets it. It's more a matter of timing and whether both your taxi lights are on and you happen to notice each other. And I think at some point you just say, I'm committing to this person. The End. It's not as romantic as Cinderella maybe, but I think it's actually more true. And besides, C-ella was weird, too.
 

Titanium

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

Cut me down

But it's you who'll have further to fall

Ghost town, haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

I am titanium

I am titanium

Stone-hard, machine gun

Fired at the ones who run

Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

I am titanium

Christmas Time is Here. And Gone.

Except still kind of here because I'm in Hawaii with my sister and niece - the most amazing person on the planet right now (understanding of course that there are three new babies in my life right now and that they, too, are most amazing. Liam, Emmy, and Evan - you rock).

Anyhow, Christmas was sweet this year. Lila is so freaking awesome it is almost impossible to breathe around her. She loves circles - drawing them, singing "circle circle" to her own made up tune, pointing out circles... She also asks "was dat?!" about everything and won't stop until she gets the answer she's looking for. She says "ah no!" and "owwww!" and "sowwy" (sorry), although only one of those is used correctly. She'll throw an "ow" or a "sowwy" out if we're buckling her in her carseat, putting on her shoes, walking on the sidewalk. You know, just whenever. She also says "car!" and "Abby!!!!!!!!!!!!" and knows exactly what she's taking about. She loves her Abby doll that she got for Christmas. I will never be able to forget that "rhyming words is what i like to do...rhyming words is so much fun." Ask me; I'll sing it for you.

She says "pweas" and "mulk" (please and milk), noooooodle, and twooo (for any number). She likes to enunciate her vowels. My mom is "Momsie" and my dad is "Potsie" (Lila's pronunciation of Popsie). Mama and Daddeeeeee and Nnenna (that's me). Twee (tree). She knows what all the animals say, plus what a pirate says ("arrrrr!"). Watuh (water). Taking you by the hand (or hair, as she did tonight during bath time) to what she wants if you aren't smart enough to figure it out the first time. "Hi!!" when she sees your first thing, "byeee!" when you leave, and "yay!" after any and every song we sing.

Lila loves art. She got an easel for Christmas and draws with the chalk and with the wipe-off-able crayons. She also has these cool bath crayons that she draws all over the tub/shower with. Freakin' Picasso. And she also loves Abby Cadabby from Sesame Street. And remote control cars. She LOVES to play outside (which I happily indulge). She has a weird fascination with socks.

So that's been my Christmas. That, plus Hawaii sun and warmth (though I have worn a sweatshirt and wished I'd had jeans. It gets chilly at night!). And my folks, who left the other day. Lila loves my dad and asks about three times a day, where da Potsie? Holy crapbagofbeans, it is the most precious and heartbreaking thing. Where da Potsie? Where da Potsie?

Oh yeah, and about 20 minutes after I put her to bed last night, I heard a funny noise upstairs and went to check it out. Lila had gotten out of her bed, went into her parents' room, gotten my sister's Nook, gotten back in her bed, and was playing a game. "Hi!" she said. Ridiculous.

"Rudolph" Addresses Women's Rights, Inclusion/Exclusion, and Torture

My favorite Christmas movie is the old school clay-mation Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer movie. Rudolph, Clarice, Hermey, Yukon Cornelius, and The Abominable Snowman (aka, the Bumble). The Island of Misfit Toys. Charlie in the Box. I love this movie. As a child, it was just a wonderful story with a scary Bumble and a happy ending. As an adult, I'm quite glad my child self missed out on the negative storyline. Here's a basic outline:

1. Issues of inclusion/exclusion
a. Rudolph's red nose excludes him from the reindeer games and the adult male leader clearly makes this known by telling the other reindeer kids that Rudolph can't play. The young bucks and does are separated - which, in adolescence, might be an idea for other societies to emulate - but still.
b. "No child wants a Charlie in the Box" so there's the Island of Misfit Toys which can only be found by traveling through a thick fog, effectively separating it from view of the rest of Christmastown. Let's just segregate all the things we classify as abnormal. And hide them in a fog.

2. Women's rights
a. Rudolph's dad doesn't let Rudolph's mom and Clarice go with him to search for Rudolph because "that's man's work." So Clarice and Rudolph's mom set out on their own after R's dad leaves.
b. "They all knew what they had to do first: get the women home." The snowman narrator says this after the team defeats the Bumble. After the big, strong, capable men solve the problem, it's time to get those womenfolk back to the homestead. I feel so much safer already.

3. Torture
a. Forcing Rudolph to wear a black nose cover, effectively affecting his speech and - most likely - ability to breathe. DFACs, please.
b. Taking out the Bumble's teeth = torture of the enemy. I'm not sure if the UN has made an official statement of Bumble rights, but I imagine pulling out one's teeth after knocking it unconscious with an ice block would be against it.


I was so happy with my teeth.

Like I said, it's a basic outline. And a classic movie. To be fair, it was made back in the day when "PC" probably only stood for Pledge Class in some private fraternity. So I still highly recommend watching it and showing it to your kids.  Your kid won't get the deeper stuff, but you will. And you can always teach your kids the positive lessons it demonstrates:

1. Teamwork and Differentiation - "let's be independent together!" says Hermey to Rudolph. They are differentiated in their independence and personal goals, but work together toward a common goal of societal acceptance
2. Helping Strangers - Yukon Cornelius pulls Rudolph and Hermey from a snowbank and takes them on his sled, helping them escape the Abominable Snowman. King Moonracer on the Island of Misfit Toys allows Rudolph and the gang to spend the night there on their journey back to Christmastown.
3. Following through on a promise - Rudolph, et al return to the Island of Misfit Toys on Christmas Eve, fulfilling Rudolph's promise to bring Santa to them
4. Human Complexity - Yukon both helps Hermey and Rudolph and whips his sled dogs; Santa is both the jolly gift-giving character of lore who "rescues" the toys off the misfit island and a grumpy old codger who initially excludes but ultimately uses Rudolph when it benefits himself and his purposes

All that in 47 minutes. Boom. And that sucker doesn't even realize I kept his coin.

The End

Adventures #9: The Hokey Pokey

Seriously.

I hate the Hokey Pokey. First of all, the name. Seriously? Hokey. Pokey. It sounds lame. Second of all, I can handle putting my legs and arms in and shaking them all about, but my head? Do you know how uncomfortable it is to shake your head all about and then spin around doing some loony shakey dance? It gets worse as you get older. Your head hurts, your arms and legs are tired from all that shaking...and then there's no real way to end the whole thing. With a clap? A shout? At least in Father (and Mother) Abraham (and Sarah) you sit down to mark the end of the song.

All of this is a metaphor for online dating, or maybe just dating in general. I was going to try and weave it into a story but I really don't have the energy for that right now. I hate dating. It's like The Bachelor/Bachelorette except you don't know the competition. I'm not good at dating games (hard to get? Please. I too much say what I think and mean to play that sort of game) and I don't like when others play them. Just say what you think and mean and there's no confusion for anyone. I'm also not good at hard to get because I either want to be gotten or I don't - and I'll clearly let you know either way. And the whole "who's supposed to call who and when" crap? I believe that if I want to talk to someone, waiting for them to call me is dumb. Are they supposed to just magically know?

And then! And then! In this circus horror of ambiguous dating, when am I allowed to plan a date? Is it too forward? Does he want to and I'm taking over and making him feel emasculated? Or is it - as I think of it - nice because then it's not all on him to always make the plans and make the plans happen. And he can always plan the next date, right? Or - heavens - speak up and say he wants to plan this one and can we do my plan next time? Holy shit. Online dating is the freakin' Hokey Pokey - put yourself out there, take yourself back, put yourself out there and get shaken by all the dating pretense. Seriously. I don't find it enjoyable, not when my emotional acre is involved. I find it enjoyable when real people do real things and spend real time together. Though this adventure has been enlightening and entertaining and I'm proud of myself for doing it, a serial dater I will never be.

I also just realized that the Hokey Pokey could be a really crass double entendre. I feel slightly weird about having Elmo up there now.